I could never pinpoint it, but I knew exactly when it changed. I always felt it coming, but of course, I tried to guard it once it came. There is always a point where you realize that the waste is what you lay in, but the poison is what you soak in.
I could never see how I was treated because, for lack of more intelligent words, I was blinded by love. I had a view of what was in front of me, but never from above. The toxic air clouded and lay still, tensing up our bodies as it slowly learned to kill.
I didn’t see the role he played. Loving me was a task he performed on exceptional days. Yet, it was always about what he wanted, unless tantrums were to be warranted. Believe me he was exceptionally manipulative in playing the victims hand as well as mine.
To this day, he never admitted his fault. Friends long invested, protested what I sought. What was needed was not there to give. Slow to realize that I’d always want for what I needed to live. Years of society offered advice, but even they will grow tired with refusal to listen even once, let alone twice.
Sometime later, sitting somewhere reflecting, day to day in days long gone, I know now that I never should’ve put myself in a position to face the toxicity alone.